Seventeen days. Part of me is excited to get started on this new journey. The other part of me wakes up in the early morning hours in a panic. I know deep down that I should not be worried, but I can't seem to get that all the way through to my psyche. I wake up thinking, "Oh no, I am not going to be the < > anymore. I'm not going to be involved in the < > Program anymore. I'm not going to have a JOB anymore."
Michael has been doing a Bible study on Joshua the last few months. The lesson last week dealt with making decisions. God doesn't always make it so evident what you are supposed to do. That is no kidding in this instance. Even though I prayed he would, I saw no billboard that said, "Rachel, make the decision to do ____." So we prayed about it. And made lists. And prayed. And talked to people. And prayed. And read the Bible. And prayed. And did the Crazy Love Bible study. And prayed. Neither choice I had to make was Biblically wrong. There is scripture to support both I believe. Yet we felt that we knew what the decision should be after much deliberation and prayer.
So why do I feel so anxious? This is a huge life change for me. It puts me at the mercy of a husband with a job. It puts me in a position I have never been before. While there will be many joys, I can't help but feel nervous, worried, anxious. So I will just have to lean on my rock and my salvation to carry us through. I know He didn't lead me wrong. And He definitely lead me. After a Crazy Love study one night, Michael and I both knew the answer. It doesn't mean it is the easy answer. It doesn't mean I won't be scared, or I won't panic. But it does mean that I am following His will. You can't go by feelings. Feelings are fleeting; they are fickle; they can fool you. But when you are in the will of God, you know it. And you know that He will provide for your needs. He promises to do that.
I believe His promises. I believe His word. Panic can't hold me back.