Thursday, August 22, 2013

Deja Vu

Six years ago in September, my eldest took her drivers test.  I don't think it is a secret anymore that she failed it.  I am honestly not sure who was more crushed, the 16 year old who had such high hopes of driving The Truck on her own, or the mama who was ready to not drive her around everywhere.  A few days later, she took it again and she passed!  We were so excited!  So I let her drive The Truck - it was her birthday present - it was still technically my truck, but I had it cleaned out and gave it to her to drive. 

While I thought she scared the living daylights out of me, I just thought I was the parent of a new driver.  Then just shy of three months later, came the call.  From Kelly.  "First of all we are okay.  But we had a crash." 

To say that I went into panic mode is the understatement of that year.  I went to the crash site and checked those girls from their heads to their toes.  I inspected The Truck.  Hayley was crying because she thought I was going to kill her off myself and because The Truck was upside down in the ditch.

Leepers pulled The Truck out of the ditch.  She didn't get a ticket, because she wasn't speeding, she wasn't being careless, she just hit a patch of ice on a dirt road (verified by someone we know who was following her).

It was a mess.  I thought I might throw up.  The bars on top were ripped off (you can see a little of them on the right side of this pic that say Crew Cab.  The windshield was mashed in, the oil dumped all over the engine and the underpart of the hood, the front was bashed in.

Kelly and Hayley's footprints as the walked on the roof and crawled out the back windows.

We only had liability on the truck, so we paid to have The Truck fixed so it would run again, but wouldn't pay to have it look nice again.  If she wanted that, she had to come up with the money.  She didn't want to fix it up again, she liked, even appreciated the battle scars.  So she drove The Truck until she went to college.  Turns out, now in hindsight, I had every right to be worried about her.  She is not a fabulous driver.
Fast forward 5 years and 7 months.  Jake is 17.  He has had his permit for two years and 4 months.  I wanted so much for this kiddo to get his license.  It would give him freedom and it would give ME freedom.  He took his test in July but had the same result Hayley did 6 years before.  Fail.  He listened to the examiner and FINALLY to me and worked on some skills.  Then
on 8/2/2013 (you can see the post on 8/2 called FINALLY!!!), he took it again.  We prayed before he went in that God would give him the knowledge that he (Jake) has, that he wouldn't freeze up but that the knowledge he legitimately earned would be available to him.  We prayed that of course we wanted him to pass, but that God's will was ultimate, so if he still wasn't ready to pass this test that God will guard his heart and help him understand.

Then came the call, "I passed."  I'm not going to lie...I thought he was joking.  So I went back to city hall and listened to the examiner as he told Jake that while he had passed, he still had some things to work on.  Seriously.  Like everything.  That is when I thought I was being punked.  I looked around.  Nope.  He passed but barely.

But he passed.  We celebrated with Chinese food and shopping in JC.  We got his license.  FINALLY!!  School started on 8/15 and he drove away.  Last first day of school!

Tuesday started out like any day around here.  I got A up and was getting her ready, Jake left for school, and Michael was getting ready to leave for work.  Then I got the call.  "Mom, I crashed."
I would love to say that I calmly and lovingly spoke to my son who was shaken from his experience.  I would love to say that I encouraged him and promised him I would be right there to help fix his world.  I would love to say that I pointed my son to Christ that morning.
But I failed.
I spewed words of stress and unhappiness and unholiness.  I pointed my son away from Christ.  I showed him under pressure and under stress that His mama can come unglued.  I seriously need to read the book "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst.  I bought it.  It is just sitting on my shelf.
Not going to lie.  When I saw the truck I lost it.  I put my head down and I cried.  I checked to be sure Jake and the other driver were okay, then I sobbed.  The stress of not having income from two jobs I recently had but have no more, Michael's car needing fixed at a costly price, the looming deductible to fix the other driver's car, and looking at The Truck was just too much.  I honestly felt like I was being crushed.

Leepers towed her from the accident scene and drove her to a friend's shop.  Mr. Leeper was also having a sense of deja vu, as I was handing over the check for towing he said, "Didn't I pull this truck up out of a ditch from its top a few years back?"  Yes.  Yes, that was The Truck.

When I look at The Truck, I think that it looks messed up in the front, but it doesn't look as bad as when Hayley wrecked it.  Looks are deceiving.  The damage is enough on it that we won't be getting her fixed.  That breaks my heart.  The Truck has been a part of my family for 14 years.  Yeah, she hasn't been pretty for a while, but she was safe for me.  She protected Jack when he totaled her 10+ years ago (although he did lose some vision).  She protected Hayley when she totaled her almost 6 years ago.  I thought she would protect Jake.  She was a tank.  She was a fortress.  I knew when my babies drove off, she would keep them safe.  And she did.  Now that piece of safety is gone, as she sits out at the shop.  I know it sounds silly to mourn a 14 year old piece of junk, but she was my piece of mind.  Plus, she never got stuck.  I don't care what field she was driven in, what snow fell on the ground, or what mud she found, she never got stuck.

I am thankful to her that my kiddos are safe. 

So now it is time to move on.  I have been taking care of Jake.  Helping him understand it isn't the end of the world.  Trying to help him with his physical pain and his emotional pain.  I keep telling him it will all work out.  Because it will.  I know it like I know my name. 

I have questioned God a little.  Not about where He was - it is obvious He was at the crash site.  Both people walked away uninjured.  Sore, but uninjured.  Not about the fairness of it all - we have been so blessed - Jake is alive, we had four vehicles when many don't have one, we have food to eat and clothes to wear and a house to live in and we were born in the USA where the gospel is accessible.  My question however is this - 2.5 weeks ago, I prayed that if Jake wasn't ready that God not allow him to pass the test.  Yet God allowed it.  At first my question was why?   Why did he pass if he really wasn't ready?  But as I have thought and prayed and pondered, and especially in my quiet time this morning and as I sit here and write this, my question is no longer why, but God what is it that I/we am/are to learn from this?  He doesn't do anything by accident, pun intended.  He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.  We love God in this house.  He will work this out for the good.  So what is the lesson?  What is the outcome?

Will we learn to treasure each other more?  Will I learn to point people to God during stress, rather than become unglued?  Because I certainly was measured and was found wanting on Tuesday.  Is this test so that we will become fully dependent on God and not a 14 year old piece of junk?  That during this time of trial we fully commit and rely on Him?

So as I ask these questions, I wait patiently for God to reveal to me the purpose for His will.  I might be waiting a day, a week, or until I step from this earth into eternity.  But God does not fail His test the first time, or the second time, or even the third time.  He doesn't come unglued when He sees the damage we, His children, cause. 

While I am living in this deja vu week, I am going to thank and praise God - the author of my soul, the creator of my being, the almighty passionate Redeemer who loves me despite my shortcomings, who loves my children even more than I do, and who will work it all out for our good.  He promised it.  He always delivers.  I am excited for the good. 

1 comment:

  1. I really appreciate this post, mom. And I'm glad you are learning a lot. Love yall!